TheCorruptiouslyObnoxiousSumanSumbing's Contribution to Modern Political Thoughts, in the grain of Plato's Dialogues.

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

A Reporter chases Najib Tun Razak upon his return from Hajj

Reporter:    Dato’ Seri, you have been to Umrah and Hajj quite a number of times. In fact, you are the Prime Minister with the most number of Hajj/Umrah trips within his entire duration of premiership. What gives?
NTR:             Are you kidding me? Hajj is the most enjoyable trip a muslim can make and besides, Mekkah is the place where you can ask from God your hearts’ desires and they will be granted.
Reporter:    If you were to ask from God in front of the Kaaba right now, and it would be granted, what would you have asked. I mean, in fact what did you ask?
NTR:             In one word: Erections! I mean, Elections! I would ask that God favour us all with a big win in the upcoming 13th General Elections.
Reporter:    That’s it? I mean, no saving from hellfire, no entry into paradise, no guidance on the straight path bla bla bla, the usual supplications?
NTR:             Well, AFTER all those, you nitwit. Of course we want all those and THEN the win-the-election thing.

Reporter:    Dato’ Seri, they say there are certain spots and certain times during the Hajj season that one’s prayers are answered. Care to share with us what were your personal prayers then?
NTR:             Well if I told you it would then cease to be personal, wouldn’t it now?
Reporter:    Yes I know but surely you’d still be asking God then, for party strengthening, winnable candidates, strong election outcomes etc, wouldn’t you?
NTR:             Are you out of your mind? I have ONE chance to tell God of my deepest, darkest personal desires and you want me to waste it on THOSE? Piiiigidah!!
Reporter:    Dato' Seri, word has it that somehow, at some point you got lost on your way back to your hotel amidst the millions of pilgrims in Mekkah. Is that true?
NTR:             Oh, it's nothing, really. Just some misscoms, that's all. After my 7th circumambulation around the Kaaba, I somehow got disoriented. I got to Marwa at the end but we started in Safa, you see. I got further and further the more we walked. The guards were nowhere to be seen, and suddenly things got accumulated in complexity. Rosmah and me kept on walking and walking till we couldn't recognize the place anymore: everything looked the saaame everywhere. Nobody spoke English there, and we couldn't speak arabic and we were like a few kilometers away from our hotel, it seemed.
Reporter:    Then what happened? How did you get back?
NTR:             Oh it's easy. I just grabbed the nearest arab guy I could find, and told him, "Ana adDhallin. Ihdinas Siratul Mustaqim." And he guided us RIGHT back to our hotel doorstep, Thank God.
Reporter:    Oh My! That surely is the most fantastic story I have ever heard, and the most resourceful plan-B emergency effort there ever is.
NTR:             Of course! And you thought our National Economic policies were all based on my London Economics educations?
Reporter:    Dato' Seri, now that in you are in this love-for-all-mankind mode, are there any wishes you'd like to make in this festive Hajj season?
NTR:             Yes I do. I wish all my political opponents were with me in Mekkah. Let us all make amends in front of God, and let bygones be bygones. It would have been nice if Nik Aziz was there. Then I REALLY could ask God whether God REALLY did that mencarut thing or not.
Reporter:    Surely you're joking, Dato' Seri.
NTR:             No, I am serious. And Anwar Ibrahim too. I really wish that he was there with me performing the tawaf. Or anywhere: Arafat, Mina, Muzdalifah. Unless, of course, there is a verrrrrry strong reason why it would not be safe for him to come to God's house, a place for retributions and redemptions. But hey! that coffeemaker fellow---whatshisname---Sepol or Epol or something. Well, HE was here couple of years back, I think.
Reporter:    Yes he was. Are there other people you would like to be there with you, Dato' Seri?
NTR:             Yes. The opposition wild card runner boys. The Raja Petras. The Din Mericans. The Harris Ibrahims. In fact, you know who I would REALLY wish to be there in Mekkah with me?
Reporter:    Who, Dato' Seri?
NTR:             Karpal Singh. Lim Kit Siang. Lim Guan Eng. The Ngeh-Nga cousin pairs. The indian DAPS with comic-hero sounding names. The unmarried ladies of DAP and PKR. All these.
Reporter:    B..b..but Dato' Seri, these are all non-muslims. The Haram precincts are all forbidden to them. No sooner would they enter the forbidden zones than the Earth would open up and swallow them---the whole lot of them.
NTR:             Shhhh!!! Hey! Are you putting words into my mouth? I didn't say those, okay. You asked me who I would like to be here and I answered. Their safety and destiny thereat, is not my responsibility.

Reporter:    Dato' Seri, what is this I hear about you not having completed the Hajj rituals and yet you declared you did?
NTR:             Yes I realize that some pundits, especially the ones who have never even gotten there themselves, are all waiting for the opportunity to pound on me on anything that I do. But that's ok. I leave it to God to deal with those slanderers or  badmouthers. But as far as I am concerned, I have completed the Hajj rituals, yes.
Reporter:    How so, Dato' Seri?
NTR:             Well it's like this. There are a set of rituals that are called Arkan or Rukun. If you miss any of them, then your Hajj is considered Null and Void. They are the Niat (intention), the Wuquf in Arafah, he Tawaf around Kaaba, the Saie or strolling along Safa-Marwa and the cutting of the hair.
Reporter:    And you did all of these?
NTR:             Yes I completed all the Rukun. And then there are the Compulsories (Wajibs). These are the Ihram in Miqat, Stoning the Jamrah, being in Muzdalifah, nights in Mina, and the Goodbye Tawaf.  Leaving these would still make your Hajj valid, but you will be sinful, unless you pay the daam for each of them. And due to my busy schedule as head of state, I could not find the time to perform all the Wajibs, so I did them partially, paid the daam, shortened my trip and proceeded to go meeting elsewhere with some other head of states.
Reporter:    So in fact technically you REALLY did complete the Hajj?
NTR:             Of course I did.
Reporter:    Oh I see, Dato' Seri. You really clarify some things here. But I am sure there are people who would be too happy to continue to believe otherwise, especially if that could score some political mileage for them. Well anyway thank you very much for allotting us some time for this interview.
NTR:             Thank You and God Bless you.

                      At this point in time, the interview ended but NTR was kind enough to share with the reporter some Korma Madinah but with cashew nuts in place of the pit seeds, together with with some Air Zam Zam that his grandmother said have some magical powers that could, among other things, cure bisul and some other boils.

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