The World's Greatest Conversation Enders (Part 1)

Oh where would the Art of Conversation be if there hadn’t be an accompanying “Art of Conversation Enders” that go along with it? There is a certain class of human beings who has taken the linguistic medium to be more than just a tool for communications or to be understood. But there is a subset still, from this class, that has taken that exercise to be beyond its present Science: that of how to make conversations stop, often with a punchline or two that leaves his opponent stupified, dumbified or just plain silent. Let’s have a look at a few mortifying examples:-

• Alexander and Diogenes

My cousin Leman, in an earlier posting of his, had mentioned something about Diogenes (read here for his write up) where I believe he was trying to demonstrate about the simplicity in the life of the  great sage by narrating how his residence was made of an old wooden wine cask. Well do you know that among other things, Diogenes is actually famous for his brief one-line answer to Alexander the Great when the great conqueror encountered him? Ok the story goes like this.

In a visit to the city where Diogenes lived, Alexander had requested to meet with the old philosopher-hermit whose fame had spread far and wide. It was to be a symbolic meeting of the two highest achievements of man: that of political power and the other, spiritual and philosophical prowess. What happened when the twain met?

Alexander’s followers searched for him to arrange for the meeting and at last met him in his “residence”. Crowds had gathered for the event: the air reeked of wondrous curiosity. What would the great emperor say to an intellectual bum? Would the wino give good advice, or good admonishment? Upon seeing him in the condition he was in, Alexander could not help but felt a remorse in his heart, and he was near to weeping. “O Great Sage,” said Alexander. “Please tell me what is it that I can do for you. Anything at all”.

Diogenes looked up, recognised the man, and, with an unflinching tone, said, “Yes. There is one thing”. “What is it?”

“Can you please step aside? You are blocking my sun.”

Alexander stood up, gave up from trying to extract anything of worth from the old sage. Behind, far in the lines, there were guffaws heard. Alexander turned round and addressed the mockers: “Know very well that if I had not been Alexander, I would no doubt be Diogenes”. (Some other versions had it that Alexander said, “A single Diogenes is much more noble than a thousand Alexanders”).

• Bin Baz and al-Muthi’i. 

Have you heard of the historic meeting between Abdul Aziz bin Baz with Abdullah al-Muthi’i? The former, when he was alive until a few years ago was the Mufti of Saudi Arabia and generally accepted to be the world’s greatest Islamic scholar. Unfortunately he belonged to what is known as “The Literalists” who believe that every word in the Quran should be taken at face value and no interpretation or re-interpretation should be necessary. The latter is from Egypt, an equally knowledgeable scholar but not as famous, and he subscribes to the belief that the Quran should be read with careful interpretations according to the proper settings and environments. Definitely they had been at loggerheads before, although remotely. One day the two happened to have a chance encounter, and it went like this:

Ben Baz: “Are you not Abdullah Muthi’i, the famed scholar from Egypt?”

Al-Muthi’i: “I am, Ya Sheikh, and I have graced myself due to your presence. And that could be more so if you can teach and highlighten me in certain things”

Ben Baz: “Tell me what is your Musykilah, dear sir”

Al-Muthi’i: “Well I just want you to tell me one thing. This verse in the Quran: al-Isra':72. Where Allah says, “Whoever is blind in this world, shall surely be blind in the hereafter. Now tell me, Sheikh---do we need an interpretation of this verse, or do we just leave it untouched as it is in its meaning?”

Abdul Aziz ben Baz went silent on hearing this. Silent, as silence should. Because, you see, Sheikh Abdul Aziz bin Baz was an Islamic scholar who was blind in both eyes! 

• God and Umar

Umar al Khattab, Mecca’s most fearsome, roughest and bravest guy, had set out to kill the prophet. He decided that enough was enough, more and more people were abandoning the religion of their forefathers and Muhammad was pooling people to his side by the dozens everyday. The Quraishites didn’t dare harm him because of family tribal repercussions, so Umar felt he must take matters into his own hand. With sword unsheathed, he walked towards where the prophet was, to put an end to all this. On the way he met a person who asked him where he was going. When he told of his destination and purport, the man exclaimed, “O Umar! Before you do anything, you had better put your household in order first.” When asked to explain what he meant, the man told him that his own sister had embraced Islam. Hearing this Umar fell into a rage, and proceeded to his sister’s house instead. After a brief shuffle where he hit his sister till blood flowed and she said she would rather die than forsake her new faith, Omar the stone-hearted man became empathetic and asked what was in the Quran that her sister was reading that could make her so staunch a believer. He demanded to see a copy. Her sister said that she couldn’t allow that, because he was still a polytheist and unclean. So Umar took a bath and demanded to see the Quran. Lo and behold! The first words he read struck him till he felt his knees gave away and he nearly fell down. The words that he read was Ta-Ha : 14 :-

“Verily I am Allah. There is no God but Me!”

He decided there and then that these were no ordinary words, no one could dare enough claim some things like this and concluded that it must come from The One True God. He asked to be brought to Muhammad to embrace Islam.

How many of us used to read these words again and again and nary do we feel anything at all in our hearts, as though its importance is akin to that of a fly that perches on our nose, easily shooed off?

p.s. Before I go on and collect more for my part 2, how about you join me and share some of the things that you have met that could be classed as "Conversation Enders"? It doesn't have to be between two philosophers or between two scholars. Even between you and your daughter (who had tried to trick you into giving her an extra candy) or any experiences you had, would be fine. Any takers?

A Legal, Judicial, Celestial Afternoon Fee

Whereas the issue has fizzled down in a terrestrial domain called Malaysia, the inhabitants of Purgatory slot it out in an evenning tea, wherein Literatures’ most famous counsels gather for some banana scones and tea, discuss the Allah issue in the comforts of their celestial abodes and sardonically summarize the entire issue in one fell swoop.

Perry Mason: Well whaddaya know. Christmas and New Year has come and gone. And looking at the commercialism that Christmas has produced, I kinda wondered whose birthday was it anyway. Anyway let's look at Malaysia. These Malay Muslims in Malaysia are a queer lot. Why are they against the name Allah used by the Christians?

Petrocelli: I think that’s because according to them, the Christians have corrupted the very nature of this Pure Allah and assign to Him sons and wives which to them is an abominable thing condemned in their Koran.

Rumpole: Yeah I know what you mean. This thing about the begotten son could produce a hell lot  more problems than you care to imagine.  I mean, not many can imagine the virgin Mary to… you know. And what about the Joseph factor. Talk about a massive inferiority complex. But really, the question is: don’t Christians share the same Allah?

Johnnie Cochran: Well, if by Allah one means the Being who created the Universe, give life, send a series of prophets to teach mankind about Him, and Master of the Day of Judgement, then yes, not only the Christians but with the other religions as well. But according to the Muslims if one starts to blaspheme against this God and assign Him sons and wives, change His words by one’s own own hands, attribute to Him teachings that did not originate from Him then no: they refuse to identify that this is the same Allah that the muslims have. Blaspheme all you want, but get some other Name is what they are saying. Some more tea, gentlemen?

Perry Mason: Thank You Johnnie. So you are saying: they don’t mind sharing the belief that all this is created by one single Entity, but they are uneasy if this entity is now accorded different characteristics and behaviours? Hmmm… that makes sense. Well I can relate to that. For example, I don’t think the muslims will mind that the Hindus claim that the creator of this world is named Allah, but start to become uneasy once they also claim that this Allah has an elephant trunk as a nose, a blue body and about six arms. And yes, I can understand that between these extra blue limbs and a Sonship, there’s not much of a difference in terms of the muslim’s view of an unmodified and unadulterated view of Pure Allah.

Matlock: Wow. What a way of putting it, Perry. But what about the Sikh religion. They use Allah too and why are they not as vociferous to them as they do the catholics?

Amrit Rao: Oh Ben, Benny, Benny. There is nothing in the Sikh religion that the muslims in Malaysia have to complain about. This religion does not teach about this Allah having a son. They do not teach falsehoods like everyone born to this world is automatically sinful and that to wash this sin one has to accept that one man, whom later is to be accorded a divinity too, died on a certain cross to wash it. Apart from a minor skirmish in Amritsar with the Indian Hindu government in the 80’s, the Sikh religion has never been marred with genocidal tendencies like the Inquisition, the Crusades, the massacres under the name of Christian conquests, and other atrocities. The sikh people have a holy book written by a group of their elders, but unlike the Christians, they do not attribute the sayings in this book to God. They never trick unsuspecting young malays to convert to their religions.

Petrocelli: Whoa whoa whoa! You are Rao? THE Amrit Rao? Heck, you are not even supposed to be REAL. You are just a figment of E.M. Forster’s imagination. Why are you even here? And are you a Sikh expert?

Amrit Rao:             Well sorry to burst your bubble, Tony. But so are you. None of us here are real, with the exception of Darrow and Cochran here. I am not a sikh, but lemme ask you. Have you ever tasted a Bhangra Dhal and do a Turban Twist? You haven’t? Then you haven’t lived. The sikh are a well-groomed lot. Personally, when I hear a sikh mention Allah which no doubt they do EVEN in the privacies of their own homes, my heart is touched with some melancholic attachment. When I hear a catholic mention the name Allah, my heart is filled with loathe at how this Name is dirtied by blasphemies of a most hideous nature. Besides, I am SURE that none of the Christian priests, the cardinals and the Popes, the Evangelists, use the name Allah in the privacy of their own prayers. No churches in America, Europe, Australia, use this name in congregations, or even ADMIT to this name being their own God.

Rumpole:  You sure sound like a muslim, Amrit. Ok, Ok. I now begin to understand. It’s not the sharing with other religions, the idea of a God as a Universal Creator that the muslims have qualms about. It’s about the dirtying of this creator’s concept through what they perceive as blasphemies. Well can anybody tell me this then. Are the Muslims too much lacking in confidence and too fearful of being converted that it leads them to be afraid of sharing the name?

Johnnie Cochran: I don’t think the muslims are lacking in confidence, nor are they afraid of being converted. If conversion efforts are to be done through some intellectual processes, scholarly debates and discussions, a lot of them are more ready and welcome. But you know what, I wouldn’t want to do such debates. It definitely could have adverse effects on the christian debatees. But what the muslims are angry about is that conversion efforts have been done via trickeries and some very ungentlemanly means. They bait with money. They bait with Love and Marriages. And they bait with Hedonistic lifestyles that they say is a proof that Jesus loves …

Amrit Rao: Yar! Yar! Yar! That’s right! In my country they go and attack our culture and condemn our caste system and before you know it, we have these parias and low castes suddenly sporting names like Jimmy Lucidus Puthucheary, Peter Volker Veeraniappan, and Elizabeth Vangelina Karthigesu and thinking they are equal to us!

Darrow: Well good for them, Amrit. Who ask you all to still practise a system which clearly defies the freedom of the human spirit? But let’s get on to the next issue, shall we. Now some people, like this lass called Marina Mahathir, seem to be more accommodating and more diplomatic. Whats anybody’s take on this?

Perry Mason: “My Father is greater than I”. I would be better off listening to her father  than her. This goon called calls Marina an Atropos of sorts. And as the malay proverb says, “Sekilas ikan di air, sudah tahu jantan betina nya”. What I mean to say is, just a flash look at Marina’s being, demeanour and persona, is enough for one to understand that in matters of religious importance, she is the last person anybody would want to go to for opinions. It’s like getting Reverend Cardinal Sin to be a judge for The World SwimSuit contest or Forrest Gump to judge the winning awards of the National Mensa Association inductees. My, my, this pisang scone is heavenly. Do try some, Ben.

Matlock: Thank You Perry, but no thanks. I just had a full St Peter’s Deli Special for lunch. Now let me ask this: Haven’t the East Malaysians been using Allah from Time immemorial?

Darrow: And you think just because it was right then so it should be right now? Look, the colonialists of the 19^th and early 20^th century in that part of the world came with a condescendingly ruthless gun-point demeanour about to grab the lands of the natives and enforce religion on their throats, and you think they would form a committee to complain on the translation of God to Allah? Heck, they couldn’t even read! So what I am saying is this: do not take as a basis of a false argument by quoting another false argument based upon a forced historical happening marred with trickeries and forced colonializations.

Johnnie Cochran: Ben, if you want to know about the linguistics and historical aspects of the name Allah in the bibles, go to this particular site called PureShiite. It has a series of cleverly arranged arguments that touch about this, written by a certain monkey from Uranus. Make sure you read them all and in order. It’s a worthwhile read.

Petrocelli: I wonder what the Pope, the Vatican or some other denominational heads of the christians have to say about this name.

Amrit Rao: Well the way I see it, the Pope has been silent. I understand his situation: deny any official support for the Malaysian catholics in their fight for the name Allah and poop goes Pakiam’s efforts to crumble to a mere local-action-not-authorized-by-Vatican naughty schoolboy tinge. Give FULL support to Pakiam, and the Pope faces the wrath of the rest of the christian world because heck, that would mean accepting that the muslim Allah is the name of the Christian God all this while: something they had been crusading and proselytzing against after all these centuries! There has even been a real zugzwanging Petition to the Pope and the way I see it, there is no real safe answer to this Knight Times Bishop move offered by that guy.

Rumpole: This is a very good point. We have only heard the voices of the local Christians. What do the more global voices say?

Darrow: If more global christian voices have a say in this matter, I don’t think Pakiam’s arguments hold any water. Look at this. Or this. Or the many voices here. None of these christian luminaries agree or believe that the Allah name should be in the bible.

Matlock: You talk as if you are a staunch believer of any religion, Clarence. Weren’t you the one who vigorously fought against the teaching of God in schools?

Darrow:             Yes I was, Ben. That was in the old days of the Scopes Trials. And now, after I have seen the light, I have mended my ways. But you know what is pitiful? My Malaysian counterparts. The disbelievers, the atheists, the ones who are neither muslims NOR christians there. Whether the Allah name is there or not, affect them the least. But yet, they are the ones who are most staunch in voicing out their criticisms. And you know why? Because it’s a malay issue. To them, anything and everything malay is worth fighting against. Heck, this some even even think that even some name-change and conversions are done because that reminds some to be in a perpetual state anti-thestical to the malays.

Amrit Rao: I agree with you there, Clarence. And mind you, some don’t even care of the distinctions between a gospel and a brothel but it’s so cool being christian (ergo anti-malay) anyway. This bloke here by the name of Kijang Mas rightly said that these people, who had been fighting for street names to be changed from the jawi scripts, refuse to mix with the rest of the population with their own closed-system vernacular schools and think that their Great World Restaurants are having less customers coming in January because of the UMNO/malay F’ng Shui, yet become suddenly chivalrous to put this into their bibles. It’s laughable, is what it is.

After a while, all the dead lawyers stopped laughing, continued to eat scones and drink tea, and thereafter and continued to be what they have always been ... dead and shutting up.

Ibrahim Ali goes to IJN while Kak Eton would like to meet Jesus

 

It's Christmas, and Patricia Veerappan, Kak Eton's next door neighbour and childhood friend, shows an interesting piece of news from Malaysiakini of a happening more than a year ago. It tells of Ibrahim Ali, Perkasa Henchman, being hospitalized in IJN. Now that in itself is not much of a news but the following letter from a reader in said portal probably qualifies as man-bites-dog:-

http://www.malaysiakini.com/news/145561

In it, a reader writes, "We should pray for his salvation. Either the Lord changes his heart and he will be a good Muslim and join PAS to fight for righteousness, or he meet Jesus in his ICU bed and become a devout Catholic and then fight for the rights of Christians to use ‘Allah'. Let's pray together."

Now Kak Eton the sultry Janda takes this opportunity to reveal her heartmost desire to Miss Veerappan, as the two of them converse on this point as laid out below:-

PV:-            Eh you know Kak Eton, a guy in Malaysiakini is praying that Ibrahim Ali meet Jesus while in ICU.

Kak Eton:   Hey that’s not fair! They should have done the same for me too! I mean pray that I meet Jesus as well.

PV:            You? Now why would you want to do that?

Kak Eton: Cos I sure as hell have a lot of questions to ask him whenever I have the opportunity to do so.

PV:            You have questions for Jesus? What kind of questions?

Kak Eton:  Well, mmm actually I had this perasan thing thinking myself to be very smart preparing this list of dumb-founding questions that I’d like to ask Jesus whenever I see him but then lo and behold! I was beaten to it by … God Himself.

PV:            How do you mean?

Kak Eton:  See now, God Himself in the Qur’an has a question  to ask Jesus in front of people on the Day of Judgment. And it so happens that THAT is the exact same question I had in mind. In fact so pertinent is the question that God just cannot wait for the day of judgement to ask it. He poses the Question right here and now in the Qur’an. In fact he revealed this Question to Muhammad 1400 years ago in Surah al-Maidah 116

PV:            And just what is that question?

Kak Eton:  Well, Allah asks:  “Did you yourself ask the people to worship you and your mom as God?”

PV:            Wow that’s a pretty damaging question ain’t it. I sure would like to know the answer now rather than wait till the day of judgement. We do take Jesus as part of the Holy Trinity to which is assigned Godhood, but yes. Come to think of it, it would be nice to know the Divine Origins of such labellling.

Kak Eton: Exactly. And we'd have to wait for the Day of Judgement to come before we really know the answer.

PV:            Well I don’t think we will have to wait for the day of judgement. Let’s ask some people around if they can provide a clue. I am sure lots of people can give you evidences and proofs. And certainly we can also ask the real experts.

Kak Eton: Now I wonder who the real experts are that we might ask from. Mufti Zainal Abidin? Nik Aziz? The Grand Mufti of Azhar? Ahmadinejad?

PV:            Noooooo! That would be stupid. That’s biased and prejudiced. That’s like asking Abe Hoffmann if it would be right to legalize Marijuana or asking George Bush who he thinks the real perpetrator of 9-11 is. Why don’t we be more … creative. Let’s go and ask the christians themselves. Not any Tom Chin, Dick Kuppusamy and Harry anak Punang kind of Christians. The real ulamaks. The scholars. The DD’s.

Kak Eton:  DD? Daredevils you mean?

PV:            No, dingo. Doctors of Divinities.

Kak Eton: Well you know what. I already did. I did some researches and looked around. Here’s what I found out. Even some of your top notch scholars from early on right till modern times disagree with according divinity to Jesus Christ. So in posing the Question that Allah asks, we may re-phrase it to make it more palatable:

                          “Is Jesus God? If he is, where does he say so? If he is not, then whence and from whom came the idea that he is?”. Simple and valid question, agreed?

                          Now let’s search for answers. Here's some of what I found:-

Dr. Robert Alley, University of Redmond:-  "....The (Biblical) passages where Jesus talks about the Son of God are later additions....Such a claim of deity for himself would not have been consistent with his entire lifestyle as we can reconstruct. For the first three decades after Jesus' death Christianity continued as a sect within Judaism. The first three decades of the existence of the church were within the synagogue. That would have been beyond belief if they (the followers) had boldly proclaimed the deity of Jesus."

Cardinal Walter Kasper: “Jesus, he says, never advanced such "claims," and at Caesarea Philippi, Peter merely confessed, "You are the Messiah," and Jesus also proclaimed this before the Sanhedrin. But when the first Christian community confessed that Jesus is the Son of God, it did not in fact mean that Jesus really is the Son of God, but only wished "to express the idea that God manifests and communicates Himself in an absolute and definite way in the story of Jesus." End of story. In fact, the first Christian community did not intend "to acknowledge a dignity for him that would further his claims." Naturally, it was St. Paul's and St. John's habit to further Jesus' "claims."⁸”

Paul Wierwille: Jesus never was a God

Father Peter Dresser Australia : "No human being can ever be God, and Jesus was a human being"

                          Even America's founding fathers had doubts. John Adams mentioned: "The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity." --John Adams

PV:            My, all these are new to me. Are there any more examples?

Kak Eton:  Wait, there are more, in the form of articles, papers and books. For example,

Heinz Zahrnt says in his book "The Church put words into the mouth of Jesus which he never spoke and attributed actions to him which he never performed."

Rudolph Augustein in his book  Jesus the Son of Man -  "most of what the church says about Jesus is baseless

                          Also in "Christianity and Mythology" (John Mackinnon Robertson),  "The Bible Myths and their Parallels in Other Religions" (T.W Doane) the central idea seems to be that according divinity to jesus is just wrong. Read also "The Myth of God Incarnate" which was written by seven theologian scholars in England in 1977 and edited by John Hick. Their conclusion in this matter is that Jesus was "a man approved by God, for a special role within the divine purpose, and..... the later conception of him as God incarnate ... is a mythological or poetic way of expressing his significance for us."

PV:            Ok ok I think I have enough of all this. Let us stop here and go to town and catch us a bite or two of whatever it is that we can catch.

Kak Eton has more cunning and surprising remarks up her sleeve as far as religion is concerned and we hope to tell more about her intellectual adventures in the future. As of now, let us leave these two lasses alone to do their Christmas shopping...

A Reporter chases Najib Tun Razak upon his return from Hajj

Reporter:    Dato’ Seri, you have been to Umrah and Hajj quite a number of times. In fact, you are the Prime Minister with the most number of Hajj/Umrah trips within his entire duration of premiership. What gives?

NTR:             Are you kidding me? Hajj is the most enjoyable trip a muslim can make and besides, Mekkah is the place where you can ask from God your hearts’ desires and they will be granted.

Reporter:    If you were to ask from God in front of the Kaaba right now, and it would be granted, what would you have asked. I mean, in fact what did you ask?

NTR:             In one word: Erections! I mean, Elections! I would ask that God favour us all with a big win in the upcoming 13^th General Elections.

Reporter:    That’s it? I mean, no saving from hellfire, no entry into paradise, no guidance on the straight path bla bla bla, the usual supplications?

NTR:             Well, AFTER all those, you nitwit. Of course we want all those and THEN the win-the-election thing.

Reporter:    Dato’ Seri, they say there are certain spots and certain times during the Hajj season that one’s prayers are answered. Care to share with us what were your personal prayers then?

NTR:             Well if I told you it would then cease to be personal, wouldn’t it now?

Reporter:    Yes I know but surely you’d still be asking God then, for party strengthening, winnable candidates, strong election outcomes etc, wouldn’t you?

NTR:             Are you out of your mind? I have ONE chance to tell God of my deepest, darkest personal desires and you want me to waste it on THOSE? Piiiigidah!!

Reporter:    Dato' Seri, word has it that somehow, at some point you got lost on your way back to your hotel amidst the millions of pilgrims in Mekkah. Is that true?

NTR:             Oh, it's nothing, really. Just some misscoms, that's all. After my 7th circumambulation around the Kaaba, I somehow got disoriented. I got to Marwa at the end but we started in Safa, you see. I got further and further the more we walked. The guards were nowhere to be seen, and suddenly things got accumulated in complexity. Rosmah and me kept on walking and walking till we couldn't recognize the place anymore: everything looked the saaame everywhere. Nobody spoke English there, and we couldn't speak arabic and we were like a few kilometers away from our hotel, it seemed.

Reporter:    Then what happened? How did you get back?

NTR:             Oh it's easy. I just grabbed the nearest arab guy I could find, and told him, "Ana adDhallin. Ihdinas Siratul Mustaqim." And he guided us RIGHT back to our hotel doorstep, Thank God.

Reporter:    Oh My! That surely is the most fantastic story I have ever heard, and the most resourceful plan-B emergency effort there ever is.

NTR:             Of course! And you thought our National Economic policies were all based on my London Economics educations?

 

Reporter:    Dato' Seri, now that in you are in this love-for-all-mankind mode, are there any wishes you'd like to make in this festive Hajj season?

NTR:             Yes I do. I wish all my political opponents were with me in Mekkah. Let us all make amends in front of God, and let bygones be bygones. It would have been nice if Nik Aziz was there. Then I REALLY could ask God whether God REALLY did that mencarut thing or not.

Reporter:    Surely you're joking, Dato' Seri.

NTR:             No, I am serious. And Anwar Ibrahim too. I really wish that he was there with me performing the tawaf. Or anywhere: Arafat, Mina, Muzdalifah. Unless, of course, there is a verrrrrry strong reason why it would not be safe for him to come to God's house, a place for retributions and redemptions. But hey! that coffeemaker fellow---whatshisname---Sepol or Epol or something. Well, HE was here couple of years back, I think.

Reporter:    Yes he was. Are there other people you would like to be there with you, Dato' Seri?

NTR:             Yes. The opposition wild card runner boys. The Raja Petras. The Din Mericans. The Harris Ibrahims. In fact, you know who I would REALLY wish to be there in Mekkah with me?

Reporter:    Who, Dato' Seri?

NTR:             Karpal Singh. Lim Kit Siang. Lim Guan Eng. The Ngeh-Nga cousin pairs. The indian DAPS with comic-hero sounding names. The unmarried ladies of DAP and PKR. All these.

Reporter:    B..b..but Dato' Seri, these are all non-muslims. The Haram precincts are all forbidden to them. No sooner would they enter the forbidden zones than the Earth would open up and swallow them---the whole lot of them.

NTR:             Shhhh!!! Hey! Are you putting words into my mouth? I didn't say those, okay. You asked me who I would like to be here and I answered. Their safety and destiny thereat, is not my responsibility.

 

Reporter:    Dato' Seri, what is this I hear about you not having completed the Hajj rituals and yet you declared you did?

NTR:             Yes I realize that some pundits, especially the ones who have never even gotten there themselves, are all waiting for the opportunity to pound on me on anything that I do. But that's ok. I leave it to God to deal with those slanderers or  badmouthers. But as far as I am concerned, I have completed the Hajj rituals, yes.

Reporter:    How so, Dato' Seri?

NTR:             Well it's like this. There are a set of rituals that are called Arkan or Rukun. If you miss any of them, then your Hajj is considered Null and Void. They are the Niat (intention), the Wuquf in Arafah, he Tawaf around Kaaba, the Saie or strolling along Safa-Marwa and the cutting of the hair.

Reporter:    And you did all of these?

NTR:             Yes I completed all the Rukun. And then there are the Compulsories (Wajibs). These are the Ihram in Miqat, Stoning the Jamrah, being in Muzdalifah, nights in Mina, and the Goodbye Tawaf.  Leaving these would still make your Hajj valid, but you will be sinful, unless you pay the daam for each of them. And due to my busy schedule as head of state, I could not find the time to perform all the Wajibs, so I did them partially, paid the daam, shortened my trip and proceeded to go meeting elsewhere with some other head of states.

Reporter:    So in fact technically you REALLY did complete the Hajj?

NTR:             Of course I did.

Reporter:    Oh I see, Dato' Seri. You really clarify some things here. But I am sure there are people who would be too happy to continue to believe otherwise, especially if that could score some political mileage for them. Well anyway thank you very much for allotting us some time for this interview.

NTR:             Thank You and God Bless you.

                      At this point in time, the interview ended but NTR was kind enough to share with the reporter some Korma Madinah but with cashew nuts in place of the pit seeds, together with with some Air Zam Zam that his grandmother said have some magical powers that could, among other things, cure bisul and some other boils.

The Queen Grants an Audience with Najib

Continuing on his whirlwind tour after the succesful meeting with the Pope, Najib meets The Queen in Buckingham Palace where the former complains of failing memory, family feuds, exciting new family members, local politics and lastly her likes and dislikes on Bollywood.  

NTR:        Good Morning, your Highness. I hope you are well and in the midst of your top-notch octo-degeneric... I mean in the best of your health.

Queen:   Oh, so so, I guess. My my. You’ve grown quite a bit, haven’t you, Jibby boy.  And look at that chubby cheek! When was the last time I saw you? Oh that must be a while back---right around the time when British Airways was still 50 pence a share, wasn’t it?

NTR:        That would be about right, Your Highness. I am so glad you are in top form. I just came in to reminisce on old times, and to really see how you’re getting on.

Queen:   Oh on the inside I am not really that well, Jibby boy. The royal bones are already rattling, you know. And I keep forgetting that I, after all these while, am no longer Emperor Queen of half the world under my colonial auspices. But ah… such is life, Jibby boy. You will realize that soon enough.

NTR:        Oh you worry too much, M’Lady. After all, look at the people surrounding you. They LOVE you.

Queen:   You think so? Well I hope so too. For example, recently that newly-begotten daughter-in-law of mine Diana, now she …

NTR:        Err… Your Highness, you really mean Kate Middleton, your GRANDdaughter in-law, don’t you?

Queen:    Yes. Kate! Kate. Ah what was I thinking? See what I told you, Jibby boy? The memory is failing and if it hadn’t for these Alzheimer pills… Well anyway this Kate Littleton or whatever that broad’s name is. Now SHE’s a babe, isn’t she Jibby? And my naughty Prince Harry just couldn’t get enough of her.

NTR:         You mean Prince William?               

Queen:    Willy, Harry, Charlie … they all look the same to me nowadays, you know. Hey tell me. How’s Rahman doing?

NTR:         Rahman, ma’am?

Queen:    Well your Prime Minister, for chrissake. The one who grappled your independence away from us.

NTR:         Oh you mean Tunku Abdul Rahman. Well, your Highness, I am afraid the Tunku is no longer with us. I am the Prime Minister now.

Queen:    What? Rahman Dead? Oh dear me. Has it been that long? And he still owed me 3 pounds 75 pence. Ah well, it doesn’t matter now. I remember I had this one hecka Prime Minister once. Can’t remember his name …Clair Bitch or Blair Witch or something. Well now HE was a good one, you see. Can you imagine? Equipped with some cooked-up dossiers, he managed to perform a genocide or two in the Middle East. Speaking of which … is it true you are practising genocide in Malaysia, Jibby boy?

NTR:         Genocide, ma’am?

Queen:    Well the Indians! The Hindraf group or something. I’ve got this legal suit letter, you see. Suing us for a trillion pound stirling. They claim that since the British brought them to Malaysia to work as coolies, snatching them from their comfortable living conditions in India, they have sued us for that amount of money due to what they are facing now.

NTR:         And they are facing genocide, did you say, ma’am? Well I don't know about that. I do know however that we the malays trail far, far behind the chinese and Indians in terms of wealth. One of the top billionaires is an Indian. And many more. Tony Fernandez is an Indian, the one who spearheads Air Asia.

Queen:    Air Asia led by Tony? I thought Richard Bran---well I guess I have my figures wrong then. But I really like that Air Asia thing, you know. But their cabin curry-puffs are a bit too spicy, don't you think? Tell me, do they have Christmas specials for Cayman Islands? I mean, like real dirt cheap special?

NTR:        Bbb....ut you are the QUEEN, ma'am. Why would you need some dirt cheap budget air tickets for?

Queen:   Hey! It's always good to pinch and save you know? Didn't your parents teach you that? After all it's not like I own the world anymore, or any of your tin mines or rubber plantations, if you catch my drift (nudge nudge, nudge). Anyway, well now what to do with that Indians, now that they are suing me. Can't you like ... ship them back or something?

NTR:        Oh we don't do that, ma'am. They are our dear and loyal citizens now. They are quite crucial for our nation-building. Besides, I don't think the situation there in India is any much better than what we have in Malaysia, you see. You know, with the caste system and all.

Queen:   Oh yes I know. Terrible isn't it. I still remember when I was a kid, all those great statesmen and giants from India: Nehru, Gandhi, Jinnah and all those people. Put our lawyers back then quite some task. Even in recent years they have produced some of the world's greatest people, still fighting for (or against) the caste system, I don't know which. Indira and Rajiv Gandhi. That Anand world champion chess player. Some Nobel prize scientists. But you can never guess who my favourite all-time Indian is.

NTR:        Rabindranath Tagore? Mother Theresa?

Queen:   Nope. It's Sivaji!

NTR:        Pardon ma'am?

Queen:   Sivaji, the boss! Why, haven't you heard of him?

NTR:        I must have, Your highness. I am not that really keen on Indian films, you see. Unlike the missus here. She's into Shah Rukh Khan.

Queen:   Uhhhh... I tell you. Shah Rukh Khan PALES in comparison with Sivaji. I mean, to tell you truth, I think he is better than Jean Claude van Damme, Terminator, Conan the Barbarian and Sherlock Holmes put together!

NTR:        Err, pardon me ma'am. But what is it again now, that you find Sivaji to be ... errr great?

Queen:   Well for one, he could defeat an army of thugs with little more than a pencil, fly and float over sky, sea and sand to get to his enemies, survive machine bullets and rocket-propelled grandes aimed at him, woo the most beautiful Tamil girls the Southern part of India has ever produced with both guitar and saxophone all at once, and still manage to croon a tune or two between three mountains, while changing into seven wardrobes. I mean, even Sean Connery is nowhere HALF of what that Sivaji could do!

NTR:        Err... I guess not, ma'am.

Queen:   Waaa.... I really enjoy that Sivaji fellow. I think someone's up to be knighted pretty soooooonnn... yeay yeay. Anyway, do you have anybody in your country who has that calibre, Jibby boy?

NTR:        Err we do Your Highness. In fact I think our man does one better: apart from acting, singing and joget lambak, he is also a politician and a darn good quick-change artiste. But let's not get into that, your highness. I DO have one nagging question that I meant to ask you, your highness, ever since I stepped in this morning.

Queen:   Well what is it?

NTR:        Why are you wearing yellow, ma'am? And why are you wearing a Bersih T-shirt? Are you mocking me and trying to tell me something?

Queen:   You're goddamn right I am. What is all this Freedom of Speech that you are trying to muffle in your country? Are you a democracy or what? And why are you so gung ho on stiffling dissent? Why do your police beat up the protesters, and why are THEY on the other hand behaving like a 3rd generation senoi, burning all those shop lots and all?

NTR:        Shop lots ma'am? I don't .... hey we don't do that. Surely you are just alleging without any proofs?

Queen:   Proofs? You want Proofs? I'll give you proofs. Cameron! Where's that pic we saw yesterday? Ah here it is.... look at this. How terrible! Are your police force this brutal?

NTR:        Err... ma'am ... that's a pic taken in Brixton.

Queen:   What? Shoot my dang! This Cameron is of no good breed. They say if you want things right you gotta have to do things yourself. Ok here then. This one. See how terrible things are in your country?

NTR:        Ma'am: that's a Vauxhall shop burning there. And no, we are not that brutal, though if we had to be just a tad bit more brutal than how our police force are behaving now compared to yours, we could probably achieve half of the dignity you are enjoying now.

Queen:   Ahhh... it's ok. Where are those pictures when you need one?

NTR:        But I do have one of my own here, ma'am. Here it is.

Queen:   What's this? The police are trying to poison the people?

NTR:        Not really ma'am They just thought that well, after all that shouting and protesting, if they would ever at all be hungry, well they could just land in for some briyani gam or something.

Queen:  My my, what a queer lot you are. But anyway, whatever you do, Don't ever, never ever replete that ISA laws that we installed for you. It works wonders, I tell you.

NTR:        Ma'am: that's what I am going to do exactly when I come back. And besides, with the communists gone I do not see any need for it at all, except,...uh ...perhaps we just might, on one little baby-faced fatso we have back home who's trying to magnify the communists. But ah, well...I think I have taken too much of your time. Won't you visit us in Malaysia just before you die or something. I mean when was the last time you came?
  
Queen:  It was during the Commonwealth Games. Waaa I really enjoyed it. Except then I wasn't looking forward to the games, you see. I was more into ... meeting with your old friend Anwar Ibrahim. Was just about to pay him a visit when they locked him up to be jailed for sodomizing or something. Well anyway, it's not that I am into faggots. But the creep deserved some hearing. Ok then anyway Best of Luck to  you and your people. And tell that Hidraf fellows: I will gladly give them their trillion pound or whatever if tehy could trade any Sivaji paraphernalia that they could find me ...


                 At this point the conversation breaks off due to some commotion outside. There were some Malaysian mob shouting if the Queen could get some kind of "Off with his head" thing with NTR. The Buckingham Palace guards showered them with some Water Jet laced with British pee. They all then bersurai ...





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